1- I can be mean --- VERY mean a lot recently as I have this huge
“anger” inside me (again) but now I let it out on EVERYONE
2- I think about
myself more ---lately (don’t know if it is good or bad actually and how “more”
is enough I don’t want to be a narcissist)
3- I am intolerant
---lately I don't accept it from anyone to hurt me without hurting them back
(or at least try), but at the same time I want them to accept me as is and
tolerate whatever I say or do. I think they owe me that ( even if that is not
true)!!
4- I Hurt people
with and without prior intentions (However if they are close to me I keep
feeling guilty for a long time even if they really deserved it)
5- I am indecisive
--- lately I am incapable of making any decision easily even the easy ones
6- I am lost---as
usual I don't know what I want
7- I still hate unexplained
actions--- my mind can't work around them at all
8- I hate my mum---mainly
because I can't hate her even when she is treating me like s**t my whole life.
I keep forgiving and forgetting and she keeps repeating it again and again, I want
to grow up really and quit these silly fights, but when will she??
9- I am a quitter.
When things get hard I bail. I let go of people when the relationships get tricky.
I get angry when they don’t care for me the way I want them to, or when I need
them (happy or sad) and can’t find them ( of course in some cases I shouldn’t
blame them for being away as most probably I am the one who told them to go
away in the first place). I get too attached and claim I am not, so I let go of
them telling myself that I need this to be stronger. That leaving before they do
is better for my heart and that being alone really is better than being around
friends that don’t care, I lie. Because that’s not (always) true, they care but
in their own way which I find not enough or sometimes too much. I want “customized”
friends and that is not possible. I HATE being like that but I can’t help it and
I feel alone as hell
10- I hate it when my mum is trying to teach me how to love and
care for my younger sister even if she (mum) never cared for her sisters like this
or ME for that matter. And hate it when she thinks that when she stops talking
to me because I don’t talk to my sister that this will make things better not
that I will hate the sister even more because not only she has been treated
better than me her whole life but also that now I am being punished because SHE
did something that upset me
